letter to my husband

Dear Howard,

You died two days ago. It happened so fast. I was shocked to hear the news. Andrea called me and told me. I was shocked. I called my sister to tell her and then I went with Andrea to the hospital. I saw your body I broke down and wept. I’ve been crying a lot off and on. I suppose that will continue for some time. I miss you so much.

When I got back to the house on Tuesday I walked in and closed the door. Harley stood on the mat staring at the door. He was waiting for you. I said to him that you wouldn’t be coming back. I broke down again and cried.

I didn’t sleep at all Tuesday night. I barely slept on Wednesday. And that was only because I took my allergy meds and has some wine on top of that. The bed is so cold without you. For the last couple of nights I’ve taken to sleeping with my big teddy bear. I miss you most at night.

I’ve been walking around in a daze since Tuesday. However I’ve been going about life. As you know I was scheduled to preside and preach at St Mark’s on Wednesday. I kept that liturgical duty and it was the right thing to do. It just so happened that there was a conference going on at St Mark’s and many of my peers in the priesthood were there. Several of them found out that I was on the campus and took the opportunity to seek me out and hug me and comfort me. By chance Bishop Nedi was there. She has changed her schedule and will be staying for your funeral.

I think you would be pleased with the job your family is doing. David and Andrea have been a great support for me. They have planned the service since I know so little about Jewish traditions and customs around death and burial. Tomorrow David is taking me to see the place where you will rest. Your funeral is Sunday.

This is so hard, baby. I know we had talked about your health and the great possibility that I would outlive you but I never expected to lose you like this. It was too short a time that we had together. Still, what can I say, that Job didn’t already say? “Adonia gives and Adonia takes away. Blessed be the name of Adonia. That, anyway, is what I shall say on Sunday.

With love,

Carla