march 31st–mother’s day

My mother (God rest her soul) was born on this day. How old would she ahve been had she lived? That’s a matter of some debate as the official records are in disagreement with each other. However there is no debate in my heart that she a was a great woman. Passionate and compassionate, deeply spiritual and religiously devoted, every bit a lady yet always ready to give you a piece of her mind, not learned by with a wisdom that is now guiding three generations of her offspring. She lives in my brother, my sister and me, but I see her most clearly in my sister (one of the many things that makes living with my sister a joy to me).

two favorite moms

I woke up today with a story about her on my mind. It was my first visit home after coming out as trans to my family. One morning I was standing in the kitchen with my mom (me running my mouth about God only knows what). At one point she points to the stove, indicating a carton of eggs and a skillet.

“Fix your daddy and your brother some eggs,” she says in a matter-of-fact tone.

I go over to the stove and turn on the burner when it dawns on me that I’ve never done this before. I’d never made scrambled eggs for my dad and brother. In fact I’d never made scrambled eggs for anyone. However I have watched my mom do it more times than I can count. With that I plunged into the task.

I sprayed the skillet with some cooking oil and added some butter, glancing over to my mom to see it I was on the right track. She wasn’t even looking. I took the first egg and cracked it. I made a remarkable mess. She didn’t even look over at me.

“Gently,” she said. “You’re cracking an egg not breaking open a baseball (something I once tried as a child but that’s a different story).”

The second time was a success. As the eggs cooked we talked. Every now and again she would throw in a cooking instruction or two: “Hold the fork like this” and “lower the flame.”

It wasn’t until after breakfast was over that I realized what my mother was doing. She was creating a mother/daughter bonding moment.

This story captures so much of what I loved about my mother: her amazing emotional intelligence, her love of family, her faith in the power of small things, the depth of her compassion, her solid yet fluid wisdom and her ability to put together the complexities of psychology and theology and daily life.

A most remarkable woman and I miss her dearly.

finally

It’s official. I start working at Wright Business Graphics on Monday. I’m happy and I’m ready to get back into a print production environment. I’ve spent a month sitting around in employment limbo and I’m eager for some work.

Working print production is NOT the best thing I have to offer the world. However given the choice between a print production and cubicle-ville, I’ll take print production.

Why?

Cubicle-ville is just too restrictive for me. You get a little bitty space and it’s all yours but you have to be mouse-like quiet in it. I find cubicle-ville too crowded. People in your face constantly. Finally the cat-in-carpet-slippers silence of the place is unnerving to me.

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In a print production environment There is less personal space but I’m OK with that because there are less people per square foot. The noise of the machines masks my bad singing and my tendency to chat with myself. I’m constantly active physically. I’m up and down. I’m lifting and squatting and stooping and reaching and bending and twisting and standing and walking and sometime lying flat on my back. The activity is good for me in several respects.

There are downsides to production that cubicle-ville doesn’t have. You can wear cute clothes in cubicle-ville. In print production that’s out the window because of all the physical activity and the hands-on nature of working with the machines. Print production is rougher on your hands than life in cubicle-ville. You can forget about having nice nails and you must deal with contacts small cuts and little bruises. Also cubicle-ville is prettier and more refined than print production. Be that as it may I’m happier in print production than in cubicle-ville. That’s a good thing because print production is where I’m headed.printpro.jpg

Today is the day! I will learn before the day is out if I have to come back to Prov (and be bored for another week) or go to Wright (and do constructive work). I’m anxiously waiting.

step count plummeting

images.jpegAnd I’m blaming Providence. I have this sucky job in which I have to sit at a desk and basically do nothing for 8 hours a day. I can’t go to the gym so I can’t even get in any physical work. This has been going on for four weeks (sees like four months). In the peak of my print center activity I was piling up 10,000 plus steps a day. Now I struggle to get to 6000 steps. Very disappointing.

Still I have a plan. Tomorrow I will learn the fate of my current work setting. I’m hoping that I’ll be released from this do nothing work to start my real work at Wright Business graphics on Monday. I( will then return to a production environment that will have me doing physically active work. My step count should jump and so should my calorie consumption.

Lord hasten the day.

cold derails weight loss

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A bad cold came along and put me on my back for four days. I used to be able to shake off cold easily but now not so much. I suspect this is a consequence of aging. Injuries take longer to heal and physical setback take long to recover from.

Sadly I tend to get out of sorts when I get a bad cold. Usually the day before the cold takes me down I feel terrible and thus I don’t do the normal things I would do. Then comes the cold itself. Then there is a day or two after that when I still don’t feel well enough to engage in my regular activities. Thus it is not unlikely that I might not eat well, do anything physical and/or take my daily meds for a week. That is a blueprint for gaining weight. Of course that has happened.

I’ll start tracking today for the first time in over a week. However today I forgot my Fitbit and that will make for yet one more incomplete day when it comes to data. We’ll see how it goes.

stuck

I feel as if I’m stuck these days.

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I’m stuck at work. I have started my new job but I’m still sitting at Providence. I’m staffing a “help desk” and I’m not helping anyone. I’m here from 9am to 5pm doing nothing. The day drags by. I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be here. I don’t know when I’ll be moving to my real job at Wright and my real work hours of 3pm to 11pm. Not only do I not know but no one knows. It could be a few days or several weeks. As a result I can’t learn or enter in to my new duties. I can’t make any plans because I don’t know when my hours will shift.

I’m stuck in my weight loss efforts too. the stress of an unsettled job is bringing me down fast. I’m turning to food as my drug of choice. I’ve lost access to the Prov gym and can’t yet afford to pay for a gym membership. Add to that the fact that now I sit all day doing nothing and my activity has fallen to next to nothing. I’m losing the battle on this front. And that feels terrible.

I’m sick. I’m pushing through a fierce chest cold. My energy level is a low, very low. Adding to that is my emotional state. I’m passing through a depressive episode at present. I feel as though I’m trying to walk and move while wearing a full suit of plate armor.

There are other ares of my life where things are also stuck. I am not at liberty to discuss those. I’m in a bad place. The best I can do right now is to hold on and push through each day.